NEVERENDING

Gentle Readers,

Your Lola awoke again yesterday wondering where he was. He wasn't in the bed, so where could he be?

When will I ever stop waking up and looking for him?

How long has it been? Two years? He's not coming back. He was never really there. So why do I wake and wonder?

The night goes on forever, the time won't pass, 2 a.m., 3 a.m., 4 . . . and on and on it continues. The attempt to have true intimacy with another person -- is it just a fantasy or is it possible? I have no more close relationships and few friends, just some people who are kind enough to tolerate me. No medicine takes away this pain.

Take the darkness and the daylight away and let me sleep the sleep of the dead forever. Death is a continuum.  Out of the cradle endlessly rocking. When lilacs last in the dooryard bloomed. I miss you Dr. C. I miss being special to someone.

I don't want to leave the house, my cocoon, but we need dog food.

Infinities of love,

Lola